You may have heard about Motley Crue’s recent lawsuit against the manager of drummer Tommy Lee. The best part: Vince Neil, Nikki Sixx and Mick Mars allege that Lee’s participation in the reality shows Tommy Lee Goes To College and Rock Star: Supernova “diminished the public’s interest in Lee and their overall perception of his musical talents.” In other words, they’re suing him for making bonehead career moves.
The implications of this are staggering. What other terrible business decisions are worth a lawsuit? We expect to see these cases following soon — feel free to add yours.
Every Hard Rock Fan Alive v. The Van Halen Brothers
Back Story: When Sammy Hagar was fired from Van Halen in 1996, The Van Halen Brothers at first brought David Lee Roth back into the fold – even cutting two new songs with him. But when it came time for a new album and tour, they dumped Diamond Dave in favor of former Extreme singer Gary Cherone. The result was the crappiest Van Halen album ever, and a poorly attended tour. Eleven years later we’re still waiting for Dave to come back.
Charge: Recklessly choosing Mr. “More Than Words” when Roth was willing to come back.
Verdict: Guilty of reunion negligence.
Punishment: The Van Halen brothers are now forbidden from touring without Roth on lead vocals and Michael Anthony on bass.
Chuck D v. VH-1’s “Flavor of Love”
Back Story: Until Flavor Flav appeared on The Surreal Life a few years back Public Enemy was fondly remembered as one of the most exciting, politically-minded rap groups in history. Now they are now best known as Flavor Flav’s stepping stone to becoming a huge reality TV star. When Chuck D gets an interview request now it’s not to discuss censorship, but to give his opinion about whether or not Sumthin’ should have been kicked out of the house when she shit on the floor.
Charge: Bringing more shame to Public Enemy than Griff’s anti-semitic rants.
Verdict: Guilty.
Punishment: Lifetime banishment from basic cable and two months of studio confinement with the Bomb Squad.
Stewart Copeland v. Sting and Puff Daddy
Back Story: Sting had already strayed into jazz and fake world music after leaving The Police, but he never went further off course than his appearance with the artist then known as Puff Daddy at the 1997 Video Music Awards. During a performance of the “I’ll Be Missing You” Sting popped in out of nowhere to sing the chorus of “Every Breathe You Take” and somehow managed the make the Biggie Smalls tribute even schmaltzier.
Charge: Being complicit in Puff Daddy’s mid 1990s assault on 1980s pop.
Verdict: Guilty
Punishment: The Police reunion must become permanent.
Bob Dylan v. The Grateful Dead, and vice versa
Back Story: Bob Dylan cites his 1987 co-headlining tour with The Grateful Dead as a key moment in his life where he rediscovered how to perform, and realized that he needed to be touring all the time. Fans regard is as the lowest point in the career of both Dylan and the Dead.
Charge: Wheezing through “Joey” for an agonizing nine minutes, making everyone in the audience wish they were being gunned down in Little Italy.
Verdict: Guilty.
Punishment: Five listens to Dylan and the Dead
Photo: Getty