Every week on Celebrity Rap Superstar, an odd mixture of C-list stars test their skills (or lack thereof) on the mic, while Rock Daily’s Rock Reality Show Recaps of the series test our skills at analyzing some really awful hip-hop. Here’s our first report:
Sixty Mic-Rockin’ Minutes in Six Sentences: While Jamal Anderson and Efren Ramirez sat on the sidelines with the least amount of votes from last week’s unnatural disasters, the rest of the contestants stepped up their game for the second round of Superstar. Sebastian Bach hit the stage with a forceful “California Love” with a bit too much rock in his roll. The judges jumped all over his inability to embrace a hip-hop delivery, with DMC asking him to “just chill a little bit.” Meanwhile, Perez Hilton chose the uncharacteristically serious “Jesus Walks” by Kanye West. And with a song that carries itself, he almost shed his ridiculousness for one well-spoken verse — but the judges still tore him apart, likening him to Weird Al and saying that “Jesus had left the building” for his performance. The six other contestants also chose their own songs this week, and Shar Jackson stayed strong with a skilled Eminem cover of “My Name Is.”
8-Mile Moment: Week two was devoid of showstoppers, but the closest thing to a comeback came when former The Parkers star Countess Vaughn attempted to shed her “strawberry shortcake” sweetness for some street. Performing Mims’ “This Is Why I’m Hot,” Vaughn controlled her bubbly with some bluster — and damn near pulled it off. Although she may have dissipated the spell when she asked the judges, “Am I hardcore?”
Hip-Hop Hilarity: Laguna Lauren’s beau Jason Wahler returned as a jerky automaton, slowly stepping through “Goin Back to Cali” like a third grader enraptured with a Muzzy tape. And Playmate Kendra Wilkinson chose a far off-the-radar song to match her relevance in the competition, rapping to De La Soul’s “Me, Myself and I.” By some strange twist of nature her butt kept prominent and unblemished rhythm while her brain dragged behind every beat. And all through the hour painfully awkward host Kevin Hart made Ryan Seacrest look as smooth as LL Cool J.
The Final Verse: A miracle on South Central street occurred (thanks to a fanbase with good texting plans) when awful Wahler escaped the bottom three and a double miracle blessed Efren Ramirez, letting him perform again, but footballer Anderson was sent home. Overall, though, all the contestants improved and the cringe count per performance declined dramatically. Judge Big Boy said it best: “Last week was horrible. This week was just wack.”