It says in the new issue of FHM (a magazine that makes Maxim -- no, scratch that, Stuff -- look like the New York Review of Books) that Jennifer Lopez has her body insured for one billion dollars. Three hundred million of that goes to her ass. So how much for her rack? . . . If W wins the presidency we'll still blame Oprah . . . We recently received a press release informing us that Fred Durst likes Palo Alto. We don't like Palo Alto.
We do like: Candidate, Seafruit, the High Fidelity, the Richard Pryor boxed set, Hefner, Vic Godard, Ed and Jessica Alba's ass (the show's not bad either). We don't like the fact that Austin has no UPN affiliate, which means no Smackdown (and no Malcolm and Eddie either) in Jason's house. Isn't Austin a major city? For Chrissakes, the loser of the next Presidential election lives there! Come to think of it, the wrestling would sometimes preempt Texas Rangers games. We smell a conspiracy . . . More proof that Dylan (Bob, that is) is off his gourd -- he's been wanting to meet Justine Frischmann of Elastica. She does sort of have that Sarah thing going on, we suppose.
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame nominations were announced a couple of weeks back. Miles Davis, the Stooges, MC5, Patti Smith, and the New York Dolls are among the semi-finalists, but you just know they'll be passed over in favor of AOR staples Bob Seger and Chicago. And what about the Groundhogs? Fuckin' hell! When do they get their due? When dammit, when? . . . Yup, Spin City is in syndication -- finally, those lost Carla Gugino episodes! And if you think the current crop is slim pickings, think how much it's going to suck in three years when the only shows on at 7 and 11 are Will and Grace and Raymond. Thank god for That '70s Show.
Fans who purchase the Alarm's nine -- count 'em, nine -- CD box set via the Internet will be able to have their fave song dedicated to them, then burned onto a custom disc that will come with the box. We can't decide which would be goofier, buying a nine-CD Alarm box set or actually going to an "Alarm2000" show. They can't even headline over the Fixx! They are opening for a hatmaker! Anyway, what if the fans want to hear a Dave Sharp tune, say, "White Cross?" What will Mike Peters do then? . . . Meanwhile, someone named Stuart Adamson is playing a happy hour gig at a generic Austin bar this week. Could it be? If Tony Butler was on the bill, we'd go.
This month's "Most Improved On The Stick" Award goes to the Rabid Wolverine himself, the great Chris Benoit . . . Contender is a contender for best movie of the year (think anyone else has said that yet?). Jeff Bridges is still our finest actor. Wish he was in more good movies . . . On the other hand, we believe the films of Christopher Guest (not counting Spinal Tap of course) are overrated, mostly 'cause we can't bear to watch Eugene Levy. And casting Parker Posey as a WASP -- how very droll! Such an original notion!
We've been known to make fun of death, but this time around we bid sincere farewells to mystery scribe/screenwriter Robert Campbell and Benjamin Orr from the Cars. It's disturbing to think that members of new wave bands are starting to die of semi-natural causes. But why are we telling you, the Well Hung readers, this? Most of them are older than your parents! . . . It's been a few but we'd also like to say "G'night Funnyman" to legendary cuckold Pierre Trudeau. Man, was that Margaret a major piece of ass! It could have been worse. It could have been Garry Trudeau . . . And speaking of the wives of big players in Canadian media and politics, we have to say that for a creepy sixty-year-old right-winger, Mrs. Conrad Black, is a fine-looking broad.
Woo-hoo, hockey season! Go Ice Bats! . . . That Catherine Bell makes us want to JAG off. She's Jill Hennessey for the New Millennium. . . . When we're not pleasuring ourselves to hour-long TV dramas, we've been trying to catch up on new novels by some of our very favorite writers. Jason is currently enjoying Michael Chabon's The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, while Michael is yukking it up with Geoff Nicholson's Bedlam Burning. Next up on both of our reading lists are The Golden Age by Gore Vidal, A Friend of the Earth by T. Coraghessan Boyle and oh yes, Commissioner Mick Foley's Christmas Chaos (featuring illustrations by Jerry "The King" Lawler, no less!). Also, Bob Christgau's new "Consumer Guide" collection will be sitting atop our toilet tanks for the next few months. Man, is there anything better than reading about Mahlathini and the Mahotella Queens while taking a nice big dump? Though apparently they didn't do much good work in the Eighties.
E-mail to Sqwubbsy@aol.com
JASON COHEN and MICHAEL KRUGMAN
(October 17, 2000)